Over Yonder

     Lucy is sitting next to me in the combination dining room/den watching me eat cold French fries off a paper plate. I lazily push the ketchup across the plate. How did I get here? In the poorly lit combination dining room/den? She is making these loud sniffing noises. She is sniffing the food, but she is working hard to get my attention. I'm not fooled. I know what she's doing. She wants the fries. She will pace the combination dining room/den and return. She will sneak under the table and lick my foot. I have never wanted a French fry bad enough to lick someone's foot while they sit in their combination dining room/den.      Part of the charm of an apartment is the combination rooms.  My daughter is in the combination kitchen/foyer/hallway bagging the trash. The noise of the rustling garbage stopped Lucy from licking my foot. She is seeking another opportunity to forage. Relief. I'l...

       The Macanudo Maduro Vintage 1997 is a cigar from the Dominican Republic that should be enjoyed on a beach, a yacht, or on a mountain top overlooking a beautiful lagoon. Imagine the smell of coconut oil wafting in the air as the sun beams down on your face. Your eyes are shielded by a mesh safari hat like the one worn by Panama Jack. Imagine the taste of that cigar in one of those settings. Imagine the serenity. Now, imagine the drifting smell of dog urine emitting from pee pads that are placed at your feet on the porch of an apartment that was not part of your master plan.       Lucy, our sweet Wheaton Terrier, is taking a crap in front of me as I write this. She missed the pee pads.       The Macanudo tastes wonderful as the crickets chirp in the background. The putrid smell is almost as intense as the cigar is robust. I am drinking a Michelob Ultra Amber. This is not my beer of choice. However, when beer left by your lounge c...