Over Yonder

     There is a difference between attending church and going to church. People attend church every week, but they don't really go to church. Attending church allows you to be seen. You get to shake hands with the pastor, hug the necks of little old ladies, say a few "Amens" during the service and check the box "being seen as a good person" off the list until next week. Walk the walk. Talk the talk.     When you "go to church" or when someone "takes you to church", you hear the Message. You feel the Spirit.      "Big Nate" is an associate pastor at a Baptist Church in Columbiana, Alabama. "Big Nate" is also an employee of mine. The only thing larger than Nate is his Personality. Nate's shoes are a size fourteen. A fourteen. He's a mountain of a man. A gentle giant. The strength of an ox. The gentleness of a lamb. When Nate smiles, there is room for little else to exist.      Big Nate starte...

     "Be sensitive, but not overly sensitive." What a disappointment. I am drinking a pint of beer as I crumple the small slip of paper and toss it on the counter next to the Bob Ross Chia Pet. I didn't read my lucky numbers. Why bother? The whole point of the fortune cookie is that slip of paper. What I just read sounds like life advice you would get on an ice cream wrapper at a theme park. I worked my ass off today, took a $12,000 loss on one of the houses that we can't live in, and the "Low Fuel" light came on as I pulled the SUV into the parking lot of the apartment complex. I don't need a ten cent Dear Abby wannabe message. I need a slip of paper pulled out of cheap folded pastry that says something like "You'll win the lottery and a long lost cousin will give you a fully restored 1970 Ford Torino GT convertible."      Overly sensitive, my ASS. I take a dump in a combination bathroom/closet everyday. Who writes this fortune cookie ...

     Trey and Jackson are on their way to Atlanta. Gracie is staying at the lake with one of her friends. I am sitting at the dinner table with Minwax Dark Walnut stain on my hands while my wife, Stephanie, lies beneath a blanket on the couch watching Netflix. I stare at the brown mess that is permanently affixed to the skin under my fingernails. I am a disgusting splotchy creature. I look like a Neanderthal from the wrists down. What a pathetic  sight. My hands give the impression that I was In a cage match with a chocolate Easter Bunny.      I look up at the Bob Ross Chia Pet that is on the counter next to me. His pitiful chia hair is growing out wrong and he looks like he has a green mullet. I wonder what Chia Pet Bob thinks of me. Dawn detergent can't save the man with Dark Walnut hands. I tried.      I was at one of the houses that we can't live in earlier today. I built my wi...

     Curry, incense, and automobile exhaust fumes greeted me as I stepped out of my SUV and back into the current chapter of my life. Ahh, the sweet scent of apartment life. Apartment life has a smell. Well, it has a lot of smells. The best part is that the fragrance changes daily. Variety. As I walk away and lock the vehicle, I wonder what dish was being made with curry. I don't wonder what the incense was masking. That's a page in someone else's life.      I lumber up the concrete and steel stairs. My feet ache. My body sighs. Another day has defeated me. My keys jingle as I unlock the door. The sound alerts the dogs that I am back. Charlie doesn't care. He hasn't cared about anyone walking through the door in a long time. He used to hump the couch cushions when we had guests. He doesn't do that anymore. I've been excited to have people visit, but Charlie's excitement was on a who...

     Lucy is sitting next to me in the combination dining room/den watching me eat cold French fries off a paper plate. I lazily push the ketchup across the plate. How did I get here? In the poorly lit combination dining room/den? She is making these loud sniffing noises. She is sniffing the food, but she is working hard to get my attention. I'm not fooled. I know what she's doing. She wants the fries. She will pace the combination dining room/den and return. She will sneak under the table and lick my foot. I have never wanted a French fry bad enough to lick someone's foot while they sit in their combination dining room/den.      Part of the charm of an apartment is the combination rooms.  My daughter is in the combination kitchen/foyer/hallway bagging the trash. The noise of the rustling garbage stopped Lucy from licking my foot. She is seeking another opportunity to forage. Relief. I'l...

       The Macanudo Maduro Vintage 1997 is a cigar from the Dominican Republic that should be enjoyed on a beach, a yacht, or on a mountain top overlooking a beautiful lagoon. Imagine the smell of coconut oil wafting in the air as the sun beams down on your face. Your eyes are shielded by a mesh safari hat like the one worn by Panama Jack. Imagine the taste of that cigar in one of those settings. Imagine the serenity. Now, imagine the drifting smell of dog urine emitting from pee pads that are placed at your feet on the porch of an apartment that was not part of your master plan.       Lucy, our sweet Wheaton Terrier, is taking a crap in front of me as I write this. She missed the pee pads.       The Macanudo tastes wonderful as the crickets chirp in the background. The putrid smell is almost as intense as the cigar is robust. I am drinking a Michelob Ultra Amber. This is not my beer of choice. However, when beer left by your lounge c...