Bob Ross Got No Soul
Trey and Jackson are on their way to Atlanta. Gracie is staying at the lake with one of her friends. I am sitting at the dinner table with Minwax Dark Walnut stain on my hands while my wife, Stephanie, lies beneath a blanket on the couch watching Netflix. I stare at the brown mess that is permanently affixed to the skin under my fingernails. I am a disgusting splotchy creature. I look like a Neanderthal from the wrists down. What a pathetic sight. My hands give the impression that I was In a cage match with a chocolate Easter Bunny.
I look up at the Bob Ross Chia Pet that is on the counter next to me. His pitiful chia hair is growing out wrong and he looks like he has a green mullet. I wonder what Chia Pet Bob thinks of me. Dawn detergent can't save the man with Dark Walnut hands. I tried.
I was at one of the houses that we can't live in earlier today. I built my wife a farmhouse table in the garage. I was listening to music while staining the table. I was using a combination of Dark Walnut, Special Walnut, and Weathered Grey stains.
I would like to say that I use multiple stains for artistic purposes. However, the real reason that I tell you of the multiple stains is that I am a bit of a pretentious diva when it comes to color and woodworking. I dig ear wax out of my ears with a car key. Let that sink in. Ear wax with a car key. Does that sound like the behavior of a color expert? One stain color would have done the trick. I'm just trying to make it sound complex. A male diva and his stain.
Music was playing and I was working my color magic on the furniture with stain-free hands at the time.
Now my cuticles look like you could grow mushrooms in them. I pick at the stain under my fingernails. Chia Pet Bob looks on.
How did the kids manage to escape the second floor dwelling while we sit here? Stephanie, the dogs, Bob Ross Chia Pet, and I sit. I sit in my Minwax Dark Walnut mysery.
Trey and Jackson are on their way to pick up Trey's girlfriend at the Atlanta airport. The boys are probably laughing and listening to rap music. They're the cool kids. Me? I can't be the cool kid. Why? My poor habits. I just walked to fridge and ate Sam's Choice Olives right out of the jar. Bob Ross Chia Pet stared at me. He wore a look of disgust on his face as my Dark Walnut stained fingers wrangled the olives out. Damn you, Bob Ross Chia Pet with your uneven chia mullet.
Gracie spent the day with one of her friends relaxing and enjoying the lake. Me? I worked. After work I went and made my hands look like I gave an enema to one of those chocolate Easter rabbits. I was listening to the Bee Gees song "Tragedy" when I spilled the quart of Minwax Dark Walnut. Tragedy. "When you lose control and you got no soul, it's tragedy". Perfect timing, Barry Gibb. "When you lose control...Tragedy" I lost control of the Minwax. It spilled onto the plastic drop cloth and created a small pool. "When you lose control and you got no soul, it's tragedy".
I think Chia Bob Ross is entertained by my struggles. I think he is secretly cheering inside that orange clay head of his. "...when you got no soul, tragedy". Soulless Bob Ross Chia Pet stares at me. Bob Ross Chia Pet got no soul, He mocks me from Over Yonder.
I look up at the Bob Ross Chia Pet that is on the counter next to me. His pitiful chia hair is growing out wrong and he looks like he has a green mullet. I wonder what Chia Pet Bob thinks of me. Dawn detergent can't save the man with Dark Walnut hands. I tried.
I was at one of the houses that we can't live in earlier today. I built my wife a farmhouse table in the garage. I was listening to music while staining the table. I was using a combination of Dark Walnut, Special Walnut, and Weathered Grey stains.
I would like to say that I use multiple stains for artistic purposes. However, the real reason that I tell you of the multiple stains is that I am a bit of a pretentious diva when it comes to color and woodworking. I dig ear wax out of my ears with a car key. Let that sink in. Ear wax with a car key. Does that sound like the behavior of a color expert? One stain color would have done the trick. I'm just trying to make it sound complex. A male diva and his stain.
Music was playing and I was working my color magic on the furniture with stain-free hands at the time.
Now my cuticles look like you could grow mushrooms in them. I pick at the stain under my fingernails. Chia Pet Bob looks on.
How did the kids manage to escape the second floor dwelling while we sit here? Stephanie, the dogs, Bob Ross Chia Pet, and I sit. I sit in my Minwax Dark Walnut mysery.
Trey and Jackson are on their way to pick up Trey's girlfriend at the Atlanta airport. The boys are probably laughing and listening to rap music. They're the cool kids. Me? I can't be the cool kid. Why? My poor habits. I just walked to fridge and ate Sam's Choice Olives right out of the jar. Bob Ross Chia Pet stared at me. He wore a look of disgust on his face as my Dark Walnut stained fingers wrangled the olives out. Damn you, Bob Ross Chia Pet with your uneven chia mullet.
Gracie spent the day with one of her friends relaxing and enjoying the lake. Me? I worked. After work I went and made my hands look like I gave an enema to one of those chocolate Easter rabbits. I was listening to the Bee Gees song "Tragedy" when I spilled the quart of Minwax Dark Walnut. Tragedy. "When you lose control and you got no soul, it's tragedy". Perfect timing, Barry Gibb. "When you lose control...Tragedy" I lost control of the Minwax. It spilled onto the plastic drop cloth and created a small pool. "When you lose control and you got no soul, it's tragedy".
I think Chia Bob Ross is entertained by my struggles. I think he is secretly cheering inside that orange clay head of his. "...when you got no soul, tragedy". Soulless Bob Ross Chia Pet stares at me. Bob Ross Chia Pet got no soul, He mocks me from Over Yonder.
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